Monday, December 17, 2007

only 8 (eight) shoppin' days 'til christmas!

here are a few last minute ideas for you slackers..."have you been looking for that perfectly AWFUL kitchen accessory? well, look no further." (rampant plagiarism and random retooling of stupid.com follows)...

this Egg Separator is very unappetizing and possibly the grossest kitchen tool EVER made, but... the goofy thing WORKS. yours for just $12.99.

"it's a hand-crafted ceramic head sporting a quizzical expression and a huge nose. t' use it, just crack an egg into the separator and tilt it forward."

this is where it gets interesting...(NOT!)

"while the yolk is blocked by the nose, the albumen *tastefully* drips through the nostrils"... and into your...... paper plate? hahahaha.

"sure it's tacky and gross and pointless, but" do you "eggspect any less" from groan_stoopid.com?

what choo lookin' at, willis?

if YOU have any taste, you WON'T click to "read more!"

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how many times have you asked yerself, "whatcha get when you cross a slingshot with a monkey?"

well, if it's a real monkey, you get a dead monkey, right? but if it's a TOY monkey, you get this AMAZING NEW INVENTION!

"The Slingshot Monkey! is a stuffed monkey dressed like a superhero." (now that right there is worth the price) it comes "complete with a cape and a mask" so NObody will know his true identity. "his forearms are made of super-stretchy rubber, with special pockets in the hands so you can get a good grip on him and when you pull him back and let him go, the Super Monkey goes flyin'!!!"

"not only does he fly up to 50 feet, but he SCREAMS ALONG THE WAY!" (there's some sorta of chip and a speaker inside that's activated when the monkey whacks granpa upside the head.)

NOTE: stop reading now or forever hold yer peace. this is the most useful thing i've found. capiche? it's irritating AND it's a *mostly* harmless weapon.

and *i* want one.

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now this may come as a shock, but kissing has been around for a long time. the medeans and etruscans kissed. (well, prob'ly not each other.) heck, even your PARENTS kissed.
i know it's scary kids, but it's true...

the fact is...it was not until the 1930's, with the publication of this
book on kissing, that the true ART of the pucker was finally laid out, once and for all, in black and red.

THE ART OF KISSING is a genu-wine, smoochin', classic, publication.

this is the ultimate how-to book. it'll walk you through the steps required to become a 1st class kisser. "32-pages! filled with kitschy illustrations and useful (?) information." THIS is a MUST-HAVE item.

(
it's been so long since i've had a real kiss, i REALLY want one of these booklets!) it ain't no kama sutra, but it's only $4.99.

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try and stay calm while you ponder this next one, folks...

i just KNOW you want your very own World's Tiniest Radio Controlled Car.

it's about the size of a quarter, yet inside this sucker is "a motor, a radio receiver, steering mechanisms, AND a microchip to control the entire thing." can you believe how advanced our civil-eye-zation has come?!!

tech-no-ology like this could be curin' parkinsonism or cloning the 3 stooges (see next item), but no....this fine and silly little TOY is nothin' but pure-D fun. and yes, i want one one of these, too!

are you surprised?

(here, check it out..."the controller of the World's Smallest Radio Controlled Car is a real, working wristwatch." when you're not smashin' it into things, you just "snap the car back onto the watch and wear it" like any other chronometer. and NO ONE is the wiser. HAH!)

is that COOL? or WHAT?!

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i've saved the best for last...yes, it's THE THREE STOOGES IN YOUR POCKET.

"hey, porcupine! listen up, or i'll squeeze the cider out of your adam's apple." NYUK, NYUK, NYUK.

(this here's the greatest invention since the two-handed eye-poke)

with "The Three Stooges In Your Pocket" you can just press a button and you might hear Curley saying "I'm trying to think, but nothing happens," or "Nyuk! Nyuk! Nyuk!" or maybe Moe will say, "why you numbskull!" and then bOnK someone over the head. hahahahahahaha.

there're 6 (six!) classic lines in all. words of questionable wisdom and indubitable mirth, indeed. AND...it fits inside your pocket!!

do i WANT one?

Soitinainly!

12 comments:

rilera said...

Ewww!

Reminds me a little bit of my neti pot, which I swear by! Haven't had sinus problems since I began using it.

flintysooner said...

Hey cornbread - just stopping by to let you know I've caught up on reading.

Joanne D. Kiggins said...

Eeewwwhhh, that egg separater is disgusting. Guess this post shows I have absolutely no taste because I read on to the end and I want one of those tiny cars! I love little things. Couldn't have anything to do with me being short, could it? :D Thanks. You made me chuckle again.

cornbread hell said...

dear neti pot, plato, and shortie,

lemme see...that's 2 eewwwws and a drive-by. hahahahaha.

happy holidays, y'all.

Cinnamin said...

Hi Rick - I had a feeling that stopping by here would put a smile on my face! Thanks! I hope you find "The Slingshot Monkey" in your stocking this year!

rilera said...

Rick, I have a slingshot monkey...at work! Everyone hates it so I can't use it much. But I love it. And so do my cats (I have one at home too).

~Betsy said...

I'm ordering an egg separator for my brother for Christmas. It sums up my feelings of him perfectly.

cornbread hell said...

cinn- i glad it gave you a smile.

rilera- i'm jealous! lucky cats.

betsy- !!!! (O_o)

cornbread hell said...

betsy- p.s. that was s'posed t' be me looking cross eyed at you, but i'm afraid it just looks like a capital o, underline, small o in parentheses.

Peggy said...

Whoa... that sling shot monkey is something....
I went down to Archee Mcphees and bought 3 yodeling pickles for a good laugh to find in stockings on Christmas morning..
You might like those too!!
ps... the kissing book is in one of the cottages..

peggy said...

opps I forgot the link to the Pickles, here it is..

www.mcphee.com/store/index.html

cornbread hell said...

oh my. archie mcfhee looks delicious.

(as i told my sister, who reads this blog, i don't really want any of that stuff. i already have too much *stuff,* but i'm sending her that link asap.)

that is stocking stuffer's HEAVEN!

thanks, peggy.