Thursday, June 28, 2007

from The Cornbread Hell Speller

To Set The Record Straight. once and for all…

Cornbread? nah.
i don’t care for it myself. i’m more of a soft sourdough roll kinda guy.
but i do like cornydogs. notice how it's spelled. c-o-r-n-y-d-o-g. one word. cornydog.

oh? but what's this?

numbers of google hits for:
corn dog - 2,280,000
corny dog - 790,000
corndog - 452,000
cornydog - 389

plus, my word processor tells me my choice is misspelled? pfft.
listen, i gave up claiming to be right long ago. now? i’m just opinionated. ( it’s a genetic thing.)
but can we at least agree that that is THE ugliest tattoo EVER?


now saddle up folks and journey with me as we sort this mystery out.

~ The Land of Cornydog Hell ~

1st off, let’s deal with corn dog, as it appears to be the most popular wrong designation for the culinary treat in question. Obviously this is corn...

And this is a dog...

------- see there? See? scientific proof that 2.2 + million people CAN be wrong.
it’s 2 words. 2 things. heck, they may both be edible, but…oh sorry, mr. doggy. that was disgusting. please don't look at me like that.

(And this is Mariah Carey dressed like corn while pretending to walk her dog.)

Now that that’s settled let’s focus on what exactly a corny dog is.

(groan) that’s not even remotely funny. that’s just downright stupid. that makes my head hurt. Please, please, no more corny dogs! Ok, but he wants to show you his seinfeld impression first.

"speak fer yerself, dogface. i can haz pocketz."

Next Up… the poor, misunderstood corndog.
Dude. a corndog obviously ain’t no cornydog. No way. No how.
(i also never claimed to be a good photoshop artist.)

OK! now that we’ve dispensed with the pretenders, what in the cornbread hell is a cornydog?

to answer this central question in our search for truth we refer you now to the highly esteemed rikipedia which tells us in no uncertain terms:

“Cornydogs are hot dogs dipped in corn batter, deep fried and served on a stick… Cornydogs were supposedly created in 1942 for the Texas State Fair by Neil Fletcher… If you put ketchup on them, you will go to hell. Mustard is the true epicure’s condiment of choice…As with all foods, a pile of bacon and and a fresh jalapeno are acceptable side dishes for a proper Cornydog meal…Cornydogalians the world over have vowed to never microwave a Cornydog and to never feed the Cornydog to their dogs, as the slightly cannibalistic inference is sick and disgusting and besides, the stick of the Cornydog, if swallowed whole, may cause great discomfort to your canine.”


the true cornydog in a few of its many incarnations.

----------- I ganked some images from the cornydog festival’s website and made a little slide show for you. enjoy...

more cornydog facts and some of the finer points of cornydog etiquette:

pole dancers are wanna be cornydogs. did you know that?
This is a pole dancer pretending to be a cornydog.
This is a dog pretending to be a pole dancer.

not only is there a right way and a wrong way to spell cornydog, but there's a right and wrong way to eat them, too.

This is a proper lady eating a properly mustarded cornydog.

This is a joyous cornydog experience.

This is an R-rated cornydog experience.

and This is an X-rated cornydog experience.
(those are all acceptable. just remember. NO Ketchup!)

[update: since posting this silly review, mr. photobucket has apparently deemed the previous picture a little too risque. the good news is, now you can let your imagination run wild. and i guarantee it'll be whole lot wilder than what i originally posted.]

When you have finished eating your cornydog, please properly dispose of the stick. all kinds of horrible, terrible, unspeakable things can happen if you aren't careful.
Robbers have been known to misuse them, they are a favorite weapon in Gang Warfare and even Worse can happen if the cornydog stick gets in the wrong hands. Diligence is nothing to shake a cornydog stick at. (damn that corny dog! SHOO!)

i do hereby swear on davy crockett's grave that the above is the real lowdown on cornydogs.
in my impeccable opinion.

i leave you now with one last cornydiorama.............

Note: i may have on occasion been called both a porndog and a horndog by certain people. i hereby categorically deny all such accusations. Period.
i am pure-d cornydog. as this ricoculous blog should prove beyond a shadow of any doubt.


Enigma said...

After looking at the cornydog eating pictures, I do believe you have a fetish for those things on a stick (or pole), my man. I'll never be able to eat a hot dog again without picturing it wearing it's cornbread clothes...

cornbread said...

sticks and poles may...eeew!

i don't care how insulting you are.
i still like gettin an anne comment.

Anonymous said...

whatttttt in the cornbread hell???????

Irene said...

you're right, this WAS silly.

cornbread said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
cornbread said...

right or wrong, i'm takin that as a compliment.

Kaytie M. Lee said...

I wouldn't have thought it possible to write so many interesting words on the subject of cornydogs, but there you go.

Did you ever eat bageldogs? hotdogs wrapped in bagel? me neither.

cornbread said...

oh but yes i have eaten a bageldog. not bad.

in today's syndicated nyt x-word one of the clues was [like some hotdogs] and the answer was SKINLESS.

what? wouldn't that just be a pile of ground up animal parts?

Orange said...

The key thing to look for is a boneless, skinless hot dog.

Linda G said...

I came back to share this with my husband today. It's just as funny, if not funnier, the second time around.

You're a sick man, Rick. I do like that in a person ; )

cornbread hell said...

orange, i'd give a dollar three eighty for a cogent response to that, but as it stands...i've got nothin'.

however, if we're talkin' chickens i can converse with you. skinless isn't hard to understand at all. but boneless? that just freaks me out.

how in the cornbread hell do they DO that?

cornbread hell said...

linda g,
now there's a comment i can respond to with ease.

no bones about it. all i have to do is say, "thanks."