Thursday, June 28, 2007

from The Cornbread Hell Speller

To Set The Record Straight. once and for all…

Cornbread? nah.
i don’t care for it myself. i’m more of a soft sourdough roll kinda guy.
but i do like cornydogs. notice how it's spelled. c-o-r-n-y-d-o-g. one word. cornydog.

oh? but what's this?

numbers of google hits for:
corn dog - 2,280,000
corny dog - 790,000
corndog - 452,000
cornydog - 389

plus, my word processor tells me my choice is misspelled? pfft.
listen, i gave up claiming to be right long ago. now? i’m just opinionated. ( it’s a genetic thing.)
but can we at least agree that that is THE ugliest tattoo EVER?


now saddle up folks and journey with me as we sort this mystery out.

~ The Land of Cornydog Hell ~

1st off, let’s deal with corn dog, as it appears to be the most popular wrong designation for the culinary treat in question. Obviously this is corn...

And this is a dog...

------- see there? See? scientific proof that 2.2 + million people CAN be wrong.
it’s 2 words. 2 things. heck, they may both be edible, but…oh sorry, mr. doggy. that was disgusting. please don't look at me like that.

(And this is Mariah Carey dressed like corn while pretending to walk her dog.)

Now that that’s settled let’s focus on what exactly a corny dog is.

(groan) that’s not even remotely funny. that’s just downright stupid. that makes my head hurt. Please, please, no more corny dogs! Ok, but he wants to show you his seinfeld impression first.

"speak fer yerself, dogface. i can haz pocketz."

Next Up… the poor, misunderstood corndog.
Dude. a corndog obviously ain’t no cornydog. No way. No how.
(i also never claimed to be a good photoshop artist.)

OK! now that we’ve dispensed with the pretenders, what in the cornbread hell is a cornydog?

to answer this central question in our search for truth we refer you now to the highly esteemed rikipedia which tells us in no uncertain terms:

“Cornydogs are hot dogs dipped in corn batter, deep fried and served on a stick… Cornydogs were supposedly created in 1942 for the Texas State Fair by Neil Fletcher… If you put ketchup on them, you will go to hell. Mustard is the true epicure’s condiment of choice…As with all foods, a pile of bacon and and a fresh jalapeno are acceptable side dishes for a proper Cornydog meal…Cornydogalians the world over have vowed to never microwave a Cornydog and to never feed the Cornydog to their dogs, as the slightly cannibalistic inference is sick and disgusting and besides, the stick of the Cornydog, if swallowed whole, may cause great discomfort to your canine.”


the true cornydog in a few of its many incarnations.

----------- I ganked some images from the cornydog festival’s website and made a little slide show for you. enjoy...

more cornydog facts and some of the finer points of cornydog etiquette:

pole dancers are wanna be cornydogs. did you know that?
This is a pole dancer pretending to be a cornydog.
This is a dog pretending to be a pole dancer.

not only is there a right way and a wrong way to spell cornydog, but there's a right and wrong way to eat them, too.

This is a proper lady eating a properly mustarded cornydog.

This is a joyous cornydog experience.

This is an R-rated cornydog experience.

and This is an X-rated cornydog experience.
(those are all acceptable. just remember. NO Ketchup!)

[update: since posting this silly review, mr. photobucket has apparently deemed the previous picture a little too risque. the good news is, now you can let your imagination run wild. and i guarantee it'll be whole lot wilder than what i originally posted.]

When you have finished eating your cornydog, please properly dispose of the stick. all kinds of horrible, terrible, unspeakable things can happen if you aren't careful.
Robbers have been known to misuse them, they are a favorite weapon in Gang Warfare and even Worse can happen if the cornydog stick gets in the wrong hands. Diligence is nothing to shake a cornydog stick at. (damn that corny dog! SHOO!)

i do hereby swear on davy crockett's grave that the above is the real lowdown on cornydogs.
in my impeccable opinion.

i leave you now with one last cornydiorama.............

Note: i may have on occasion been called both a porndog and a horndog by certain people. i hereby categorically deny all such accusations. Period.
i am pure-d cornydog. as this ricoculous blog should prove beyond a shadow of any doubt.
Read more!

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

not just another SiLLY blog post

from a british web site: Iraq Body Count
and here's the count, according to them, for just ONE WEEK in 2007.
i double dog dickin' dare ya to read that one.

the following disturbing numbers are confirmed:
as of today, june 20th, in the year of our lord, MMVII...

  • u.s military deaths (iraq).........3,531
  • u.s. military wounded (iraq)...25,950
  • iraqi civilian deaths (min)......65,828
  • *excess* iraqi deaths.........655,000

HUH!? sheeut. gimme a break. that last one’s just gotta be a bogus number.
Doesn’t it?
(even if you didn’t click on or read any of the links above, i beg you to read this one. and ponder it.)

AHA! See there? it IS bogus. Those numbers are 8 freakin’ months old!
and furthermore, what's this bull-shit about iracky physicals and a bunch of goddam lib'ral, anti-merikin epiduralists? i've just about had it with all them camel humpers and i've sure as hell had it up to here with them bloomin' collige edjeecated jewboys.

"This is about 500 unexpected violent deaths per day throughout the country. The survey was done by Iraqi physicians and overseen by epidemiologists at Johns Hopkins University's Bloomberg School of Public Health."

i repeat. 500 PER DAY. civilians. 500
human beans every. fucking. day.

sorry if that brings you down, but i believe we are all responsible.
And while you’re mulling the meaning of that last statement…do you know about this?

makes ya proud, don't it.

remember all that *reconstruction* we were gonna do after shock and awe?

is that what you thought all those *contractors* were bein' paid billions of $$ for? a private army?
well you're not to feel alone. our way of rebuilding the infrastructure we've destroyed is apparently to build a $592 million, 104 acre (!) american embassy in baghdad.
after shock, indeed.
we all done been duped, suckas.

p.s. i didn't mean to stick that video in twice, but i'm not real computer savvy, ya know? hey, what the fuck. go ahead and watch it again. (and if the video doesn't work, please go here:


chill, rick. what in the cornbread hell brought that rant on?

well, for one thing, i haven’t had my crossword fix for the day and for 2, i made the mistake of havin' the tv on earlier and i saw this guy--------->

(he was pontificating about his moral reason for vetoing the stem cell research bill.

and i swear to god, the asswipe actually said something to this effect:
"...taking human life to save human life is immoral..."
it just doesn't get more ironic than that, does it?)

…and for 3, sometimes, well, sometimes i have bad dreams about the just gives me the friggin' willies.

i’ll try to get back to bein’ silly, soon. i promise. really.
Peace y‘all,


Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
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Monday, June 18, 2007

(you can/can't) watch sicko for free (UPDATED 6-19)

last night i downloaded and watched what turned out to be a Really fffunnny movie.
the 40 year old virgin.
i laughed my ass off. (yes, i did finally find my ass a day or so after watching josephine's video, re: 2 posts back.)

the 40 yr old virgin flick is sappy, sexy, nasty, lame, funny as the day is long, sweet (are ya sick yet?), has more quotable lines than a whole season of simpsons reruns, and most of all, it's real in an oddly realistic way. the ending sucked, but i thoroughly identified with rest of the movie. check it out if you haven't already. and report back.


now, sicko is an altogether different film, as i'm sure you're all aware.

sicko could only be described as *sweet* in a youngster's vernacular. as a geezer, sweet to me would be adam sandler movies or Riesen Chewy Chocolate Caramel covered candy, but sicko is suhweet in that other sense.

i didn't even have to download (swipe) it...and neither do you.
here's the link to SlCKO.
check it out, turkey!
looks like the film's distributors are trying hard to sweep up all the "copies" of it online. so i deleted that link. sicko pops up every once in awhile, though.
as i type, it's available here:
otherwise, pony up your 7 bucks and go to the movie this weekend. you'll be glad you did.

and michael moore says...
he doesn't mind:

"I don't agree with the copyright laws and I don't have a problem with
people downloading the movie and sharing it with people," Moore said. "As long as
they're not doing it to make a profit off it, as long as they're not trying
to make a profit off my labor. I would oppose that. I make these books and
movies and TV shows because I want things to change and so the more people
that get to see them the better. I'm happy when that happens."

thank god for him - wait till you see this movie.
i hope y'all will pass this on to your friends.
IMOO, it's sadly realistic in a sad, but honest sorta way. and it's about much, much more than health care.

Read more!

Friday, June 15, 2007

what in the cornbread hell is a burqini, you ask?

i do the ny times crossword puzzle just about every day. hey, there are worse addictions out there.
yesterday i decided to try my hand at the ny sun puzzle.
man, was it was a killer.

my favorite answer: BURQINI
clued as MUSLIM WOMAN'S SWIMWEAR, which i only got by the crossings.

turns out it's a word coined by combining
burqa, the traditional head-to-toe covering for Muslim women,

with bikini.

(from wikipedia: "According to the official version, the modern bikini... was named after Bikini Atoll, the site of nuclear weapon tests... in the Marshall Islands, on the reasoning that the burst of excitement it would cause would be like the nuclear device." )

now, if the mental image of a burqa clad surfer isn't funny to you, i really can't do a thing to help you out. but you might at least admit that burqini is a clever word. no?
a fine, fine invention for all concerned.

here is an awesome story about a female, australian, muslim lifeguard. (irony rocks)
she not only has a cool name (ms. laalaa), she wears a burqini while being a good, allah-fearing social activist. now that's my kinda gal.
the puzzle constructor, Francis Heaney, says s/he(? ) began creating the puzzle after reading that article.

holy moly! this all makes me wanta go to the beach and check out the -qinis.
and the-kinis, too.
Read more!

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

Got an email from the daughter today.

today in history
Body: 1920: US Postal Service rules children may not be sent via parcel post

I laughed out loud. did you?

then, i decided to google ‘parcel post’ because, well... because i’m a n3rd.

This here’s what wikipedia has to say about it:

“Mailing human beings has been forbidden by regulation since 1914. This was done following the delivery of at least three people, including a two year old boy mailed from Oklahoma to Kansas for 18 cents.

oh those okies. ahahahahahaha
i laughed heartily at that. (personally i want to know who the dirtwads were who mailed the kids and where the fuck they were sent. did they make it there ok? inquiring minds want to know!)

THEN… i got an email from the son.
(he works at the Ralph W. Steen Library at Stephen F. Austin State University as a “digital projects specialist.” )
more about that here, if you give a shit: way cool web site - Texas Tides

Anyway...the aforementioned daughter worked in the son’s office last semester and she was recruited to *star* in this video.

ain’t she classy?!

yeah, right, I was gonna tell you about the email i got from the son?…ok. i'm on it.

it was a link to another video. i assume it was a sound check for the above video. (the son is the laughing guy in the background.)
here it is.

at this point, i laughed my ass off.
(and i STILL can’t find my ass.)

lllllater, kiddos.

p.s. life can suck all it wants to, but it'll never suck the pleasure out of a parent's love for their children. amen.


As in? "what in the cornbread hell were you thinkin‘, Cletus? you cain’t blame everthang on the mercury! yer absolutely stercoraceous."

(presumably it’s an underused, albeit legitimate word and not a-tall synonymous with CRAPULOUS ) Read more!

Thursday, June 7, 2007

an R-rated blog entry? well, why the fuck not?

if you’re offended by bawdy humor and/or gag at corny jokes, you’d best git out while the gittin's good. (psst...that would be NOW, turkey.)
also, i'm still experimenting with formatting here. hopefully that'll improve someday.


& so, without further adieu, we now present the funny cartoon of the day from cyanide and happiness

what in the cornbread hell is wrong with you? *I* think it's ffffunny.

and this is just waaay cool. every little boy's dream. have you heard of the Sony x-ray camcorder filter?…

The ADXIR filter has adjustable exposure capabilities which will allow x-ray vision even in the brightest sunlight condition, no other filters on the market will perform as well. The ADXIR filter is included with your purchase of our camcorder.

hmmm...i guess it can only see through one layer? or maybe only certain types of fabric?

this next one was neither photoshopped nor taken with the X-ray camera lens. Buffy apparently wore this see-through blouse on purpose. wtf?

speaking of fabric, how 'bout some r-rated t-shirt art?

and speaking of little boys...oh, they do learn young...

moving on...............

a friend of mine sent me this link as a joke.
well, at least I THINK he was joking…hmm? (edit: that link is apparently broken right now, but it is a hilarious and somewhat disturbing site spoofing(?) cyber relationships. it's called **
men can supposedly go there and set up fake relationships with an algorithm to impress their friends and family. OH MY! i laughed my ass off.)

…anyway, i sent a message back to him with this link to let him know i had already taken control of the situation, thank you very much.


this next one is actually pg-rated, but somehow i kinda think it fits in here.

now, what kind of sucker would have dared to have invested in that company? huh?

in order to balance the ratings thing out, this one is X-rated. and just too funny not to insert.

hahahahaha. oh, kramer... and GEORGE!!! puhleeze!

i think i’ll leave you alone now, but first let me impose a couple really corny jokes on you. OK…ready?

does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra? *groan*

and why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?
(don’t say I didn’t warn you.)


in closing, let me just say,

and allow me to add this fine pair of r-rated napkins,

in the interest of fairness, samuel l. jackson and i now proudly present to you.....the “i has a cheeseburger” cuirass.

(at first i had *bra* typed in there, but cuirass is my new favorite word recently learned from the crossword world.)


gosh, i hope i didn’t scare you off due to the high ricoculosity factor of this post…things may get better.

or maybe not?

.........Coming Soon on What In The Cornbread Hell? an extra special, 6 Degrees of Separation edition of the blog.

that's all for now folks... and happy golfing.

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Wednesday, June 6, 2007

the strange tale of 2 pianists

i'm sure you've heard of nora the piano playing cat by now. she's just awesome.

if you liked that there are more videos of her here.

now this next pianist is as cute as nora, but much more amazing and, well, just downright inspiring. please check this young lady out.

does that put things in PERSPECTIVE for you?
(i'll be talking to myself here again in a day or two. see y'all later, rick) Read more!

Saturday, June 2, 2007

howdy folks

well, since i nixed the mosaicist blog, the mumblecrust saga and the myspace page, i've lost quite a few more decibels of hearing, my sister found out she has cancer and i can't do a goddam thing about it.
since then hundreds of more americans and iraqis have died and been maimed, my brother in law finally went into rehab and some slutty singer either just got out or went back in - i'm not really sure...but i'm personally doin a-ok. thanks for asking.

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