Wednesday, November 28, 2007

keepin' it real.

i try to keep this blog fairly light hearted, but some days are better than others.

some days just flat out make me feel like an alien in my own skin.

you ever feel like that?

i went to a couple of job interviews today. i think it's safe to say they didn't go so well.
TMI? tough.
sometimes angst happens. besides, it's my freakin' blog.

went to see mom afterwards. we sat and visited for a while. she soon dozed off sitting up in her chair. i read for a while. she snored and woke up occasionally. the truth is, i was grateful for the down time.

an hour or so later i began to wonder... "huh. is she sleeping well at night? is this an incipient sign of the dreaded next stage of this awful disease we call alzheimer's?"
i literally shuddered.

recently i've noticed, without being fully aware before today, she sleeps more during the day. how well will i deal with the latter stages so sure to come? it's coming full steam and head on, isn't it.

i'm not prepared, but i'm not afraid of you.
what will be, will be.
i'm not angry, but i admit i hate you, AD.
sometimes i joke that you are a jealous monster. jealous that you have no mind of your own and take it out on others by stripping them of their own minds.
still, i know you're nothing more or less than an irrevocable chemical process and not a *you* capable of listening or caring, but please, i wish you'd leave-my-mother-alone!

shit. i can barely deal with my own measly problems.

once upon a time i pretended i was gonna ask amy sedaris to marry me. hahahahaha. i once had a vintage 1961 rolls royce and traded it in on a 1922 tractor.

i'm a master at one thing. screwing up.

heck, i've fucked up a 20 year marriage, built and single-handedly self destructed more than one enviable avocation, written and nixed over 35,000 words in a feeble attempt to write a novel. i've been known to mess up, and sometimes give up, way too easily. way too many times. and that scares the holy bejeebers out of me. i'm afraid of me. i'm pretty sure Mumblecrust would laugh out loud to hear me whine, but i know he'd understand these disjointed ramblings and even understand my fear.

i also figure he'd give me a much deserved swift kick in the butt for it.

Rivers flow backwards, valleys are high...mountains are level, truth is a lie...

Where is that fine line before it all breaks?...


Annie said...

I don't have anything terribly insightful to say. We have all fucked up one way or another. You've raised two kids into upstanding adulthood, your love for them, and pride in them, is quite evident in your posts. You are an outstanding son to your mother, and your love for her is also quite evident. Be proud of that. Be very proud of that.

flintysooner said...

Wow. Powerful post. I could have written a lot of that myself.

My big principle the last few years has been to try hard to avoid making huge mistakes. Little ones don't scare me too much. So far so good.

cornbread hell said...

thanks y'all. pity party's over. well, until the next time.

Denise said...

EXACTLY what Annie & Flintysooner said


~Betsy said...

The difference between someone who gets it in life is those who do, learn from their mistakes. Those who don't, just keep on the same path. I'd say you get it, Rick.

You really are an outstanding son. I love how you deal with the repeated questions from Mom. I'm sure she appreciates it, too.

Hang in there, Rick. This too shall pass.

Enigma said...

Our successes in life are not measured by the music that we play from other's hearts, but the music that we have create from our own.

You have been a master musician all your life, my dear friend. In the family ties that you have never let unravel and with the beauty that you create with nature's gifts. I only wish I could have been so successful.

Days such as these come to us all occasionally, and you are allowed to question if your presence on this planet has made a difference after all. I can assure you, that you have made quite a mark. If only to those of us who read your marvelous words.

cornbread hell said...

denise, betsy, enigma- if i loved y'all any more than i do right now, we'd prob'ly all get arrested!

enigma- were you drunk or just sleep deprived when you wrote that comment?

Linda G said...

Before I clicked on the comment section, I was trying to think how I'd respond. Annie said it perfectly.

Pity parties aren't just okay...they're necessary from time to time. You have good friends who read this blog. Some knew you before, but many of us didn't. What we all share is that we care about you...and admire you for what you're doing (and have done).

*(¯`·¸*Chris*¸·´¯) * said...

I don't know if you know this or not but sometimes when I am uplate at night, I will go into your blog and just sit and laugh at the silly shit you post. I can't sleep, my mind is playing hell with my heart and all I have is a laptop to keep me from closing my eyes and facing my nightmares. You have afforded me a way out of my sadness and how do I thank you for that? And to think I just stumbled upon you through Flinty's links on his blog. Here is some dude named Cornbread Hell...gotta go check him out...the first thing I read whas the entry about when you and your mom were on the computer and it had a virus and you had to do a scan. Someone had downloaded porn on the ALF pc. The way you wrote that post was freakin funny! You have wit. And that will carry you through the darkest days.

You are a blessing to us and to your mom and family and those who love you. We all fuck up and we learn and go on. God knows I have done my share. Everyone is entitled to a pity party because it helps us move on. This grief crap I am going through is helping me move on, although I am hating every moment of it, it is essential I deal with it.

Peace be yours today and always. You're ok in my book.

Joanne D. Kiggins said...

Rick, this is one stunning and heartfelt post! As one fuck up to another, I can totally, totally relate to everything you said. Wednesday I started writing by hand a post I was thinking of making about my life. I started writing about the decisions I'd made in life, some good, some bad. I'm still writing that post, but I realized that I may not have learned everything from each of my mistakes, but each one taught me a lesson in life and led me down a crossroad of paths to where I'm supposed to be right now. You're doing great with your mom. Your blog nearly always puts a smile on my face or makes me laugh out loud. You're one heck of a guy! Thank you for being you! ((HUGS))

Peggy said...

Dear Rick,
I think that Enigma and Chris said everything I would say but much better. One thing I will add You are also very to Brave, Good and Kind! That’s important!!!
As we all know,Things seem to always have their ups and downs..

Douglas said...

At times like this, I remember Liane Halliday Willie's pledge for people with Asperger Syndrome (like me)...among other useful things, it says...I am never going to give up on myself. I would word it positively, saying something like, I am going to perservere with myself, but I think you get the idea. Glad you finished pitching the pity party...

cornbread hell said...

realizing none of you may ever read this comment, i'll say it anyway.

i want you all to know i come back and read your comments on occasion for a pick-me-up. on this post especially.

thank you.