Sunday, October 7, 2007

animal, vegetable, mineral

if you happened to have seen the last post and are wondering if you imagined, i deleted it on the grounds of its being too fucking whiny. if you commented on it, i apologize that your comments went away as well.

(and thank you for the heartfelt tugs back to this thing called life.)

life. what in the cornbread hell is life?

flora and fauna. yes, i think we all agree on that.

but what about rocks? (this photo is of a rock slab *growing*)

and what about a human bean who can no longer remember things for more than a split second? where does life begin? where and when does it end? is a plucked, shelled and cooked bean no longer alive even though it is still capable of providing life-giving sustenance? what about the ones left to rot on the vine? are they dead or alive? if a tree falls in the forest...

i have no fucking idea.

of course, the philosophers have already asked and answered these questions. funny thing is, they often disagree. men of god (and women, too) and novelists and tinkers and tailors -rich men, poor men, fools and witties- have put these questions to the test ad nauseam.

they all seem to have answers.
but i don't.

does that make me an agnostic on life? i will write more later. when i figure how to say it...i doubt it will be what you expect or want to hear, though.
i can love a rock. i've been known to. but no rock has ever loved me back. that's a fact, jack. at this point, mom is capable of loving me, but only when i'm there. she's on the verge of not knowing i exist unless i am there. the people she rarely sees are already mere pixels and vague characters in stories i tell.


Anonymous said...

this process is really hard for you. my heart goes out to you as you walk the rough terrain with your mom.


p.s. - appreciate reading you are an agnostic about life rather than an atheist about life...there is hope.

Peggy said...

Sending You Hugs.
I dont know what it all means either. Maybe its different for each person, according to their own beliefs?

If you mom is not in pain and getting a little enjoyment then it seems ok... except it is hardest on the forgotten loved ones..

I hope you can find a peaceful resting place to take breaks
in-between the care giving.

cornbread hell said...

anonymous l lydia- thank you.
(i didn't say i was an agnostic on life. i merely asked a question. maybe i'm not so good getting metaphors across.)

peggy- thanks. mom is physically healthy so far. that's a blessing, for sure. and she's not forgotten. the memory loss is accelerating, though. i really think that's much harder on me than onn her. she doesn't know what she's missing.

and maybe my memory is fading, do i know you?

flintysooner said...

I'm off one day and you delete a post on me. And a whiny one at that!!

I tell you what I want to do some day. I want to visit Australia again and I want to go out there in the out back where that Ayers Rock (Uluru) is. I don't know why but I'd really like to see it and go up and touch it. I don't know about loving it but I'd like to see it in person.

I took some philosophy once. It was the only thing that physics qualified me for is why. You don't need to worry too much about it from what I can tell. None of it is anywhere near as meaningful as carving stuff in rocks in my opinion.

I remember when dad forgot my name. I'd been dreading it but it wasn't as bad as I had imagined. Besides it didn't really change things when it happened. It all hurts but it's all bearable.

You're my hero you know. Keep on keeping on.

cornbread hell said...

trust me. you didn't want to read it. it was pretty pathetic.

Anonymous said...

i'm glad your mom is feeling well, it must be hard though to see someone you love change so much. i ask questions too. sometimes... it's not that i don't get an answer, it's just that i might not like the answer i get. i dunno, i'm posting late at night. i'll come back when i make more sense. i'm sad you deleted your post though. you felt it, therefore you wrote it. you should acknowledge your feelings, even the whiny ones. they are the ones that help us know what we are really thinking of when our guard is down. what the heck, i'm tired, don't mind me. delete my comment, i make no sense late at night.

cornbread hell said...

gina, you must have little kids or somethin'. i hate to tell you this, but it's only about 9:30 your time...

seriously, what i felt and wrote was something i should have never expressed publicly. it was several notches beyond whiny. still, i appreciate your thoughts. thanks.