Monday, April 7, 2008

the wedding post...

many of my readers/cyberfriends are or were front line caregivers for a parent with dementia - or what is more commonly called alzheimer's disease. they are there in the trenches every day, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. (see sidebar for links to their blogs.) it's difficult for me to even imagine what they do for their loved ones. i'm a part timer. i may visit my mom once or twice a day. i may even miss a day... i can go on vacation... but they can't.

one of those cyberfriends recently had her 1st vacation in i don't know how many years and one of the highlights of that respite was being able to take a shower without worrying if her mom was gonna wander off or hurt herself in some way. can you even begin to imagine that? a simple, freaking, relaxed shower being a novelty because your responsibility for your mom or dad normally precludes such *extravagance?*

the picture to the right is in homage to chris, one of my cyber/caretaker friends who recently lost her beloved parents.

the rest of this post is directed to anyone who is currently going through the agonizing process of having to decide whether to continue the constant, loving, hands-on, day to day care in their own home; or to move their loved one to an alzheimer's care facility similar to the one my mom is so blessed to live in now.

robyn, i humbly dedicate the rest of this post to you and yours...

!- all week i've walked to mom's with scissors in my back pocket. i cut flowers on the way - irises, snapdragons, violets... i played hooky day before yesterday. why?
because i can? yes.
am i sorry? yes.
mom fell down that day on her way to the bathroom.
am i ashamed for not being there? yes.

no broken bones, thank god. just a little skin break on her forearm. the facility called my sister who lives 120 miles away to inform her...it'll be a long while before i miss another day of visits, but she has constant, competent care where she lives. i'm not a doctor or a nurse or a physical therapist. i don't even have a phone. i think she's in better hands than mine and i'm grateful. (see below.)

...the flowers i bring are nice, but how do you full-timers bathe and feed and keep constant vigil day in and night out? you're amazing...

@- at my mom's care facility they take her to an interdenominational church service on sunday morning, a bible study group on monday afternoon, they help her bathe 3 times a week, feed her meals and snacks, wash her clothes and change her bed linens once a week, give her regular medical check ups and nurse her when needed. they watch old movies together...and lawrence welk and lucy... they play trivia games and are asked to tell and retell whatever they're still able to remember of their own histories. they have several group craft projects each week. they go on short walks if able. most importantly, the staff on the memory care unit is a very loving group of individuals.

#- one of the aides, opal, is getting married at the dallas arboretum and has invited mom and 2 or 3 other residents to be there. she says they're not going to be in the crowd, but right up front in a special place. she even had a discussion with them about what color her dress should be. mom said white or sky blue. mrs. braddick wants her to wear pink. opal has already decided on yellow i think, but she continues to engage them in the conversation which is clearly a self esteem booster for the ladies. i just hope they are still aware enough to go and enjoy it when the day finally comes. opal's waiting until september, when her son returns from 4 years in iraq...my guess is not so hopeful for most of the ones who are now invited, but in the meantime it really means a lot to them.

$- opal's wedding reminds me of an email josephine sent me a few weeks back with a link to a "This American Life" radio show episode. the alzheimer's wedding party is a bittersweet tale. it's only the 1st nine minutes (the prologue and act I) and well worth your time. i hope you'll listen and i know you'll enjoy.

%- when i first heard about the above story i googled alzheimer wedding and found it to be a fairly common phenomenon. if you're interested in learning more about that particular type of therapy there are lots of newspaper articles to read on the web. here's a photo from one of them...



i feel fortunate that if she still has any marbles in september...mom will actually get to attend a real one. me? i'm prayin' for marbles.



13 comments:

Anonymous said...

rick, thank you for raising awareness of issues with alzheimer's and your occasional personal notations about my mom. although you may be right about a few early signs of alz, my mom & sis joke about how difficult alz will be to detect when forgetfulness seems to be a lifelong trait they share.

I share with you the recently surprising excitement of my 78-yr young mother getting married after one month of giddy teenlike courtship. they married last thursday afternoon in oklahoma, where there is no waiting period for licensure. they said they don't know how much time they have left and don't want to waste another day.

celebration began at the casino penny slot machines. that is where i found them after class to present the bride with a "just married" mum and the groom his boutonniere. this was after finding the car in the parking lot and plastering it with decoration.

as we were leaving the casino the rain came pouring. pouring might be an understatement. the groom could not figure out how to open the passenger door. after mom was thoroughly drenched like a wet puppydog he finally turned off the car to use the button on the key. (mom's new car)

10:30pm the groom rushed the bride to the ER. an antique marble clock had fallen on my mom, not on her head, on her arm. there was a big dent in her arm and the doctors thought it was broken, but it was not. turns out the 35lb clock fell off the headboard shelf.

(confirmed this while on duty last night with my new friends (through work) in the ER . they giggled and grinned as they shared their enjoyment of these two ER visitors, saying "your mom is so cute and she was sooooooo embarrassed.")

now my mom and new dad are making travel plans, first a cruise to the mediterranean, hopefully the first of many trips together! i wonder if the last time i see mom will be like a scene in an old movie as i watch her ride off into the sunset...

lt

cornbread hell said...

terri, thanks so much for sharing this story. don't ever let your mom live down the part about the clock falling off the headboard. that's just too fffunny!

i always like a happy ending...the riding off into the sunset scenario sounds pretty good to me in many ways.

say hi to your mom for me and tell her NOT to be easy on the old man, but to please check the furniture for potential flying debris next time. ahahahahaha. yo momma.
lr

¸.•*´)ღ¸.•*´Chris said...

sweetie, of course I don't mind. I actually took that picture during my daughter's college graduation from NIU last May. We were standing in back of Mom and Dad since only two seats were allowed in the handicapped section. With camera in hand, I happened to glance down and saw them holding hands. Little did I know how poignant that picture would become in the coming months. I am honored you have it on your blog. It is a true testament to the love they shared. I know now they are holding hands today and tomorrow and will forever eternally. And that eases my pain and soothes my grief.

Even though Dad was the full time caregiver to my mother, with me coming during the day to help and give respite, he carried the brunt of things. Yes, Mom still fell, and things happened in everyday life that just couldn't be avoided. But in the end, we all do what we can out of the goodness of our hearts. It may not be perfect and mistakes will be made but the love is still there through it all, whether our loved ones are in the home or placed in a facility. Never think for one moment you aren't a caregiver because you are. You are overseeing your mother's care and making sure she is as comfortable and happy as she can be at this stage of the game. You are there for her, loving her and spending time with her. And this not only qualifies you as a caregiver, but one hell of a son. Don't forget that. Hugs to you and that sweet mother of yours.

cornbread hell said...

chris, that photo is just so perfect. i couldn't resist ganking it from you page.

rilera said...

That is an awesome post Rick. I love the photo of Chris' parents holding hands.

Annie said...

Rick, don't be ashamed. I know that's easy to say. I'm still fighting guilt that Mom fell while I was away. Give your Mom a hug for me, will you?

Somer said...

Rick, your mother is very lucky to have such a caring facility. My grandmother suffered from Alzheimer's for way too long (she was having signs before Jimmy and I got married in 1993 and passed away in late 2004), and I don't think she was nearly as fortunate. And she's very lucky to have you, too.

Yes, I can imagine what it's like to not be able to shower without worry. Only in my case it was called being a stay-at-home mom. I hate to think of the situation being reversed one day. I can only hope my kids are as devoted as you are (and all the others of whom you spoke).

cornbread hell said...

rilera, i hope this post didn't come across as presumptuous. i just read that you've decided to keep your mom home and i gotta say that makes me very happy. good job, daughter.

annie, somer - thanks.

rainbowheart said...

Rick,
Thank you so much for sharing this post with us. Everytime I see the photo of Chris' parents holding hands, a tear comes to my eye. AD is a very hard disease to deal with on a daily basis. I am home for a few minutes and Momma has called me 4 times to inquire about dinner. She has been having a few bad days. I don't know if it because of the rainy weather that we have been having..but today it is beautiful and sunny and she is having a good day. Take care ...

cornbread hell said...

gale, amen to that picture.

parkinson's AND alzheimer's? ouch. my dad had parkinson's, but had a clear mind. the combination would be horrific.

here's hopin' for sunny days...

rilera said...

No presumption taken Rick. I struggled long and hard and I just kept coming back to the fact that we are at a good place right now and I really don't think either of us is ready for a change. I do appreciate your post. When the time comes I know that Mom will be at a good facility. And that makes me happy.

nancy said...

beautiful post rick, brought a tear to my eye.

Joanne said...

I'm just catching up on my friend's blog reading after a respite break. What a beautiful post, Rick! And, yes, I can believe your friend enjoyed a relaxing shower while on vacation. I just spent my time at my house catching up on sleep and enjoying some of those very same comforts. It was wonderful!

You are a caregiver, Rick. And from the sound of your posts and the time you spend with your mom, you're by no means a part timer. You should be proud.

I, too, like the photo of Chris' parents holding hands. A real treasure that one.